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[14/2/2010]

Alice in the Wonderland.
I wanna go and watch ><
WS asked me.
And I did asked her.
The question finally ended with an argument.
Now only I realize, I am not the girl she wants. No matter how hard I tried to prove to her, or how hard I study, I am no difference with the girls that appeared on the newspaper each time they flipped it through.

I make noise just because I try to seek attention from them. I did try but they just don't give it a damn about me. We seemed happy with each other, but the truth is, they don't wanna know whats inside my head. They're not concerned. When I sat down quietly and tried to talk about a deep matter, they just continued watching television or continue their works and finally shooed me away because I am giving them extra trouble.

I tried once, to talk to her, but she always think she is right and never think of listening what I'm trying to tell, I really wanna express it out loud. Really, I wish they can spare some time to listen to me. I am not a little girl, I have my thoughts. Why will you assume that I can't think on my own? I wish you will listen to me.

I wish I could just shut the fuck up and give no fuck about seeking attention anymore. I am neither upset nor mad but I am disappointed. After you told me that you will stalk me someday, my heart crashed and I don't wanna believe you. I trusted you as a daughter but you could tell me these kind of words. Thanks for being so frank to me. I appreciate it really much but as far as I know whats right and whats wrong, I believed in you and I really hope that you will trust me the way I trusted you too.

Tears flood my eyes as I thought of what you've told me during the argument. I understand you as my mother but please listen to me and trust me. I wanted to share everything with you. I really wanted to. But you don't allow me to do so because you are not interested to know a single piece of it. I don't wanna lie at you just to go out. I want you to know what was happening, and where am I going. The real me, the truth. But all from your mouth is just a 'NO'.

I kept quiet and continue my things. You might be thinking that I strike for freedom. But I am not. I am speechless and wanna comment no more. I just wanna shut the fuck up, and stop the mindset of mine that I could share whats on my mind with you someday. There's indeed two way now. First, is to obey to you and be myself, which means act like normal. Second, is to keep quiet on every single thing, don't seek attention from you anymore, and never tell you what I want and what's in my head. I think I will go the second way. Just like my second brother did. Because they always don't approve what we want.

I've told him. He's working and.. I wish he's not scolding me and thinking that I am giving him trouble. Don't get frustrated on me. Please. I need you.

Not in a good mood before this. After I've expressed, I felt better. Now, For those people who was reading this, you might be thinking that I am naive or stupid for some tiny matter. But this really matters to me.